by Shaun Levin
(07/02/08)
1. Sweet
She was born with the taste of champagne in her mouth. Her mother had dipped her finger in a mug of bubbly at her hospital bedside and touched the drops to her baby's lips. Milk came later. She learnt to swear early, as we do, those of us with older siblings -- sisters and brothers who introduce us to the mysteries of the foul mouth. She drank and cursed for much of her teens. Champagne and milk don't mix. She switched to fruit smoothies.
Her mother told her, years later, that the only way to shut her up when she was bawling her eyes out, especially on long train or plane journeys, was to feed her chocolate. She has never liked dark or expensive chocolates; high percentages of cacao make her nauseous. She will always prefer Cadbury's Dairy Milk. She associates chocolate with comfort and distress. She's almost forty now and knows that sweetness is not at the tip of the tongue. That's a myth.
2. Sour
Close up, a taste bud resembles a pickling onion or the fruit of a tamarind tree.
3. Salty
The question is: Do you spit or swallow? That's what taste buds are for. When it comes to semen,
one's choice has little to do with taste. Taste is not why one spits or swallows. It's a question of love,
but really, not love, rather:
devotion and infatuation. Semen is not something she swallows once
domesticity sets in. She spits discreetly or makes suggestions she knows he likes.
"Come on my tits," she says.
When she has a yeast infection, she washes her vagina with a natural Himalayan crystal salt.
She lies in an empty bath-tub and pours hot saline water into herself. After she has washed thoroughly,
she dabs aloe vera gel onto the outside of her vagina. He likes to watch and will lick her before she
applies the cream.
4. Bitter
She hates her job and sometimes hates her boyfriend, the way he never really makes up his mind and expects her to take the initiative with most things: holidays, interior decoration, evening activities: sex, theatre, dinner parties. She hates her sister for being more beautiful -- her smooth skin, her straight black hair, her almond-coloured eyes -- and more settled than her. They talk often on the phone but don't see much of each other anymore -- it suits her; she likes her sister more when she doesn't see her. They were close once and used to go out drinking in those days before and just after her sister got married. They'd sit in bars on the Kings Road and sip Campari on the rocks and talk to strangers.
She likes her coffee black.
Her boyfriend has a steady job in IT and is faithful. He has always been a good boy, always done what was expected of him, what he was told, never took drugs, never swore. He tells her -- sometimes it's funny -- that his father washed his mouth out with soap when he used a four-letter word at the table. They agree that it's probably why he likes her foul mouth.
5. Umami
She has prepared a dish of steak and Roquefort cheese. They have been together for three years; it's an anniversary thing. He bought red roses and champagne and one of those giant slabs of Cadbury's Dairy Milk you find in duty free shops at London airports. He slices his steak with a steak knife and eats slowly.
"This is yummy," he says.
She doesn't know how much longer she can take this.
Her sister is pregnant again and craving pickled herring.
